Wish I

Cinta yang dahulu adalah cinta yang agung dan hebat. Mungkin sebab terhalang dan dihalang. Kalau kau ada happy ending, kau rasa orang masih cakap cinta kau hebat tak? Sebab benda yang betul-betul kasi kau impact dan buat kau teruja adalah benda yang buat kau sedih dan sentap. Kalau benda tu happy ending, mestilah kau akan cakap “Sweet gila lah diorang tu!”. Kau takkan cakap cinta diorang tu hebat dan agung gila. Crap. HAHAHA

Oleh itu, mari kita layan Hey Jude!

Okay, lagu tema yang tak berapa nak masuk akal sebab Hey Jude ditulis oleh Paul untuk Jude yang kesedihan sempena kematian ibunya. Crap.

Hidup aku selalu ada choices. Aku kira, kau semua pasti cakap bertuahnya aku sebab ada choices sedangkan ada orang terpaksa terima apa sahaja yang datang tanpa berupaya nak buat apa-apa pilihan. Aku pun tak tahulah nak rasa bersyukur ke atau rasa celaru. So I just do it with love. Eceh, tetibe jek.

But I’m not ready to make nice.

Orang selalu cakap. If things are not getting better at the end, then it’s not yet the end. Sebab at the end, things will get better. Aku rasa aku pun pernah ulang ayat macam tu kat kawan-kawan aku. Tapi bila fikir-fikir balik, kita semua berpegang pada kenyataan itu sebab kita berharap pada pengakhiran yang sempurna. Selagi tak sempurna, selagi itu kita percaya yang semuanya belum berakhir.

At the end, semua orang suffer atau semua orang gembira? Atau ada sikit gembira dan ada sikit suffer? Worse is kau yang suffer sorang-sorang dan tak ada siapa pun akan faham.

So what’s your perfect ending?

Saat ini, aku rasa semuanya dah berakhir walaupun jauh dari perfect. So welcome, perfect lie! Or shall I say life?

--

akupuntaktahulahkitasemuapatutmacaminiketakpatutsebenarnya

Nota kaki:

2nd law of thermodynamic stated the law of irreversibility: kalau kau boleh buat keadaan sama macam dulu pon, perasaan tetap tak akan jadi sama.

What was once yours.

I knew well enough the feeling of missing what was once yours.

Cuma, atas sebab tidak mahu melukai, simpan sahajalah dalam hati.

Sebab macam mana kau tidak boleh expect aku menjadi dia, aku tidak expect kau menjadi sesiapa

except for yourself.

Kalau masih mahu terkenang-kenang mengapa mahukan kau/aku yang sekarang baik patah balik kepada what was once yours itu.


Yang buat kau kecewa tu. Yang tidak hirau apa kau rasa tu. Pergilah sakitkan hati sendiri lagi. Jangan hargai apa yang di depan mata, larilah kejar masa lampau tu.


Tiap-tiap hari buatlah perbandingan. Siapa lagi kacak bergaya, cantik dan manja. Siapa lagi begitu, begini. Bandinglah lagi sampai bosan.


Sampai tersedar. Atau sampai sendiri rasa segan.


Letih kot pasangan kau kalau dihukum macam ni walhal dia dengan rasa lapang membuka hati dan mencatur-catur masa hadapan- dengan kau, belajar baik buruk-diri kau. Untuk kau seksa hatinya sempena what was once yours itu. Layak juga untuk kau uji kesabarannya tapi bukanlah perkara yang tidak-tidak, yang tidak ada gunanya kau kenangkan lagi seperti..


What was once yours itu

Yang tidur jaganya mengimpikan orang lain bukan lagi kau,
yang tiap-tiap hari perlu mendengar suara siapa-siapa tapi bukan lagi kau,


It'snotandnevergonnabefairrightlikethis?

--

Credits to: http://lovehatelifeangel.blogspot.com/

Carefree

Pernah tak apa yang kau rasa cuma tinggal perasaan meronta-ronta untuk lari ke any foreign land?

Tapi kali ini kau bukan mahu lari ke mana-mana untuk apa-apa.

Cuma lebih kepada lari dari apa-apa.

Sad, isn't it?

Truthfully, I don't feel alive anymore.

The Aftermath

It's just that simple.

Because he is him.
And you're not him.

Get it?

love game

I think I'm addicted to pain and uncertainty. Those two things keep me sane and make me feel alive. How pathetic is that?

I am broken, inside out. Though I'm not going to blame anyone for that, I know that those things do affect me in some ways. Or maybe many ways.

Or maybe it's just me creating dramas and maybe it's just inside my head.

The Perfect Lie

Don't act like I didn't fight for you. I did. Hard and for a long time. So please forgive me, if now that we're over. I'm exhausted.

-Blair Waldorf

It takes two to tango, but one to let go.

Yes.
Me and him.
We are so good when we're together.

But.
You and me.
We were only good when we're not together.

How significant is that?
I don't think so.

Whatever you may say.

Faktap la weh.

It's not because he is the best I can get. No. He's not even close to perfect, but he wins just by being him. He don't need to try or do anything.

Well, at least he is a CHOICE. I choose to be with him. He is not an OPTION.

We may not have it all, get it all. But we are so good when we are together.

The saddest thing is that you only want me when you know that you can't have me.
We can keep on playing this same old game.
But I'm exhausted.
I want something normal and I don't care even it it's lame.
It's just that I can't be playing games forever.
It's not and never will be easy.

The Wake Up Call

Okay, maybe these things that we had or didn't have are all absurd.

Or maybe I am absurd.

Now get up and move on already.

But all I can say is that I am happy with my life right now. I don't know about the future. But right now, I am happy. Everyday, I feel happy. I might not feel happy all day long.

But yes, everyday I feel happy.

Always with the drama.

You constantly look for a sign and when it's given to you and you don't like the answer, you call it a coincidence. There are no coincidences.

The Wood In The Trees by Ian Thomas

I always have the urge, strong urge; to do something stupid. Something that I’m not supposed to do. I mean urges to do anything impulsive. And I was given too many signs of why I should not to. But most of the time, ignore them.

Was it THAT bad? Or to you I'm just a cheap skank whom you wish to keep so that you can continuously toy me around?

Aku tarik nafas panjang and let out a tired sigh. Fine. Maybe I’m the jackass of the story. Or you can call me the female version of asshole. Whatever. Maybe I was the one who’s emotionally torturing you.

“Kau menyesal ke? Rasa wasted?” asked Ian.

“Tak. Aku tak menyesal for being true to myself. Tapi aku menyesal sebab that person don’t even worth a shit for it pun.” I answered.

No worries. Remember, I scratched a big mark behind. But for the record, I’m the hero of the story and I don’t need to be saved. Go figure and save yourself instead.

And if you thought that dropping hints here and there was enough to make me understand, you were wrong. Plain WRONG with capital letters. Because we haven't reached THAT kind of comfort zone yet. Like, seriously! It’s such a loooong way to go before we will ever reach there.

Mind you, kalau hari-hari sebelum ini boleh diulang kembali pun, aku tetap akan buat perkara yang sama. Really.

And unlike you, I don’t do desperate attempts in public spaces.

Look, who’s actually pathetic now? Pfttt.

Lack of imagination

I sometimes think about how our perfect Sundays would be. Or at least, how I wish they would be. Maybe breakfast in bed, strolling along the street hand-by-hand, stealing a kiss or two and then snuggling together on the couch watching movies, eating late night pizzas. Those are some of my ideas of loving someone.

See, I don't ask much. Honestly, I can’t take anymore of your fairy tale love; neither I am sure that I can fulfill them for you.

Sometimes, I wish you can be true to yourself. Not all that superficial I-don’t-give-a-damn look that you always portray to others. Because you do give a damn! While you act in such a cold-hearted way, unconsciously you involuntarily did things that prove otherwise. Just get real darling. At least, be real sometimes.

If honesty means being vulnerable to you, maybe you should just let your guard down and tell me if I am worth of anything. Because the truth matters to those who loves you.

So, I have a confession to make. I don’t know how to love you. And I’m afraid that I will never learn or understand how to love you.

This is not a breakup note. But this note is the note explaining how I break my own heart. This is the note of how I let myself shattered my own heart.

Owh by the way, I am the worst heartbreaker you wish you never met. So, if you are trying to break my heart, you don’t have to. Because I have broke my own heart .You should already say goodbye by now :)

--

Why do bad things always taste so damn good?

the empty space

Seperti mana kau tak boleh nak buang dia 100% dari hidup kau, seperti itu juga dia tak boleh nak buang kau 100% dari hidup dia. No, you can’t just snap your fingers and hope that everything will vanish just like it never happened before.

Sebab you don’t understand this, sayang.

The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference.

Lewat malam, atau lebih tepat antara pukul 3 pagi sehingga subuh. Di mana otak kau mula berfikir macam-macam hal. Pasti kau akan ingat semua tentang dia. Mungkin ada sesuatu tentang itu yang masih boleh buat kau tersenyum.

He/she made you rhyme.

He/she made you cry.

But darling, you need more than that to survive.

Aku tahu. Gambar atas meja itu sudah lama kau buang entah ke mana. Tapi dalam laptop ada satu folder yang sudah jarang-jarang kau buka. Mungkin kau patut cepat-cepat delete folder tu dan empty-kan recycle bin in a finger snap. Supaya rasa regret dan ragu-ragu tidak sempat jadi penghalang. Ini cuma kata-kata saja. Aku tahu kau takkan buat sekarang. Bukan sekarang. Mungkin suatu hari nanti. Tapi aku tak tahu bila.

Ingat satu perkara, sayang. Apa yang kau cari sudah tiada di situ. No darling. You can’t just turn around and expect that things will stay the same.

Cuma mungkin ia tak pernah terlintas di fikiran kau yang dia ingat exactly setiap butir kata yang kau pernah tuturkan. Word by word. Even though it was such a long, long time; that you hardly remember when. Those things that you can’t recall yet made such an impact in someone’s memory. Those little things, little details or dates yang kau tak pernah keep track of their times, but are always held close to your heart. Dan mungkin sebab kau not that into keeping track of stuffs, sebab itu semuanya seem so close. Just like yesterday.

Aku rasa, nothing good comes out of your mind after 3 am. Only thoughts yang mengarut dan really, really oh-so-pathetic at most. You should go to sleep.

And remember darling. The opposite of love is indifference. Not hate.

New year!

Hello people! It's new year! Okay, I know I'm a bit late.

And you know what, the best give I gave myself at the end of 2009 was "moving on". For good.

No kidding.

--

Dear Ex,

I was head over heels for you. Whenever I was with you, all those sweet memories we shared together rushed into my mind. Alaa macam orang kata; orang yang dah nak mati akan teringat balik semua amalan-amalan yang pernah dikerjakan.

I loved you.

I can't imagine my life without you.

But I can't see a future with you.

Goodbye!

Ps: Umur kita dah nak masuk 1/4 abad (heh, macam confirm je kan hidup 100 tahun). But the point is grow up and stop partying/clubbing macam remaja yang baru nak naik okay? Have a good life ahead.

Pps: I always go to Oldtown. And yes, tak payah pergi situ kalau takut terserempak dengan aku. But don't make childish statements in front of our friends okay? Get over it already.