Sometimes there are people in your life that you will never get over.

To Allah we belong and to Him we shall return.
Al-Fatihah.

Kadang-kadang, aku rasa memang betul perempuan letaknya di rumah. Hari-hari main masak-masak (actually masak tu pun bukan kewajipan isteri), jaga anak, kemas rumah. Yes, panggil aku ortodoks but whatever.

Aku tau perempuan nowadays konon tak perlukan lelaki sara hidup or whatever shits that you have in your sexist mind. Aku tau perempuan sekarang capable to get good education, good job and even good salary. I said CAPABLE tapi we are not meant for that. Sampai suatu masa bila kau dah lama sangat ambil role yang are not meant for you, lepas tu di tambah dengan rungutan & sindiran inferior lelaki yang ego.... You know what I mean. It will eventually break you.

Sebab apa? Sebab perempuan memang capable, but not meant for that, not made for that. Bukan fitrah perempuan. When it breaks you, kau akan start rasa semua benda tak kena.

Perempuan punya kesabar bukan untuk benda-benda macam tu. Kalau tak, kenapa perempuan mintak cerai atau tinggalkan laki dia bila tak bagi nafkah? Tapi dia sabar je susah payah sanggup ikat perut nak jaga anak dia? Aku pun tak tau nak guna perkataan apa untuk kesabaran macam tu. Haha..

But what do I know? 25 years old, not married and gullible. You should not be listening to me. Maybe.

Avoiding realities.

I miss writing! Sob sob.

I have soooo much to think about, some confrontations to do.

But sometimes feelings and revelations will just have to wait.

Goodnight!

I have stop writing since some people asked me from where did I "copy paste" my writings.
No, I don't copy people. But some people copied me. Whatever.

Note to self.

Life is not fair. Get use to it.

Words of wisdom.

In this world, I only believe in two things: God, and my mom.

- Prof Mat

Carpe Diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.

:(

Life as a researcher sucks. At least most of the time.

But research is my passion.

I can't imagine myself doing anything else.

Of course.. especially when I hate dealing with patients. Haha.

My brain cannot function right now.

Sobs.

I learned how to raise my voice in anger

Yeah, but look at my face, ain't this a smile?

I'm happy when life's good

And when it's bad I cry

I've got values but I don't know how or why

The Who

Life would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't.

Excerpts from The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Of friendship and love:

I don’t know how much longer I can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like. It’s much easier not to know things sometimes. And to have French fries with your mom be enough.

But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody.

“It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder? What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.”

Of reality and life:

"Do you always think this much, Charlie?"

"Is that bad?" I just wanted someone to tell me the truth.

"Not necessarily. It's just that sometimes people use thought to not participate in life."

"Is that bad?"

"Yes."

“Not everyone has a sob story, Charlie, and even if they do, it's no excuse.”

I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't.

--

I love love love this book so much! I'm so going to read it again.. well when I have the time.

You know what I hate the most? Excuses and justifications.
I will try hard not to do those things.

Like I care.

Ambiklah kawan aku tu.
Aku tau korang dah takde kawan sangat.
Ambikkkkk.

Did E, R and I do anything wrong to you?
I don't think so.

Antara ramai-ramai kawan aku, memang aku tak pernah cakap benda2 tak elok & tak penah mengumpat pasal kau dan R. Tak pernah pun ada slightly dislike kau ke ape.

But if you wanna give me, E and R some kind of silent treatment.. whatever.

To those jackasses, you can keep our friend. There's no better payback than letting you guys keep him.
Friend like that, who needs friend right?

Aftermath.

Hello, just ignore the fact that I said I'm not going to blog here any more. Anyway, I deleted my previous posts because... I actually have no idea why. I am fickle like this :p Yesterday, E told me that I have an "excessive usage of my brain function" due to the fact that I kept asking him some silly questions like "why Kelantanese call limau as singa" and "why they call that egg & kaya bread as hamlet". Hahahaha..

Due to excessive thinking, sometimes I think I have mild existential crisis. But hopefully I'm wrong. Haha. We did even talked about prayers. I asked him why should we pray? Have you ever think about it? 

Do you pray because you want some rewards from the Almighty or because you want to go to Heaven? Do you pray because you don't want to go to Hell? Do you pray because you were taught to pray since you were young? Do you pray because you are ashamed since your friends, colleagues or house mates pray? Do you pray because you want people to think that you are pious?

Or do you pray because you want to be close to Him & you want His blessings?

Anway, E answered something like how he thought that the reason we pray might be different from time to time.While the last reason might be the ultimate reason for you to pray, I think I agree with E. Kalau harini hati kau bersih & ikhlas lebih sikit, maybe you will pray because you want to be close to Him. Kalau esok malas, you pray because you don't want to go to Hell maybe?  For whatever reasons you did or you didn't do something, and regardless of what kind of person you are, you are bound to rules & regulations. Some things you just have to do it even though you don't feel like doing it, or if you actually hate doing it T.T Because at the end of the day, only Allah is entitle to do the aftermath. 

Not me, not you, and not any other judgemental human being like us.

I'm not going to blog here anymore because I don't like you :/

Goodbye.

I know its not your fault, but I'm a locked door

And inside I'm a mess by someone before

And I wish that I, I could find a key

To unlock all the things that you want us to be

Let me open up and start again,

But there's a safe around my heart

I don't know how to let you in

And that's what keeps us apart

You cannot choose who you love, but you can choose how to love them.

Oh hello,

I feel like starting with whining. What the hell has just happened to blogger's post composing page? I guess I have not been here for soooo long already. Anyway, life is good. Life is busy. I always need some distractions and I have one for the long haul: which is to focus on graduating instead of whining like a self-loathing person about trivial things around me. Booo me.

I miss being content. I think I have started to pull myself all together, I hope for good. You dont keep waiting in life because when you do, life happens. Anyhow, this year seems like a good year. Or is it too early to conclude since it's only May? Whatever. Even if it's not good for me, I've think that 2012 has been so good to people around me. Alhamdulillah.

On the other hand, something caught my ears and attention:

There might be some loves that seem bigger than others or more complicated or harder to let go of. But there's a very good reason they're not meant to be.


You cannot choose who you love.


But you can choose how to love them.
And there are some people you can only love by not being with them.

Oh well, either that is so damn true or I am just watching too much tv.

On being pathetic self-pity b***h...

I have lost myself within everything and it is really painful. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know why I can't cry anymore. All I ever felt was that sharp pain on my chest, and how it was difficult to take a deep breath. And I don't think that I want to get married anymore. At least not that soon.

I have lost my focus too. For the time being, I should focus on graduating this year! I want to get my ass out of this place. I have always thought that this place will be my second home. But I can't stand being here anymore. Maybe I should start being lame.. lame life and lame future planning. Graduate, continue PhD somewhere else.. anywhere but not here, get a job lepas tu bela kucing ke pokok ke etc. Marriage is no longer in my mind.
I just can't.

I do want to forgive and forget.
And I do admit that I have my fair share of mistakes too.
I know what I did and did not do.

But if you don't love yourself enough,
how can you possibly believe that someone do love you.. right?

How do you know if he/she is the one for you?
Sobs.