Hitting rock botton of a deep shit pit.

I just want to be happy and to be loved. I want a simple and normal life.

But here I am.. broken into many pieces. I hate myself. I hate my life. Some days, all I wanna do is to sleep and hope that when I wake up everything was just a terrible dream. But reality just keep on continuing to burn me into this shit pit of life.

Oh God, I'm so depress and in the lowest of low. Sampai rasa nak hisap rokok ke or maybe swallow some Xanax etc to make it all go away.

People say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I hope so.

Finale.

congratulations to you if you found this stupid pathetic space. how are you? i'm doing okay at most and being a self-loathing bitch at worst. anyway, i miss writing since i've had too many things to tell but i don't know how or which part to start with.

or may be.. some things are better left unspoken.

as for now, i should keep breathing and living. because life goes on, supposedly.

The end.

You don't destroy the person you love.

But maybe I am destroying myself.
Oh well, do I love myself enough?
Doubt it.
And I'm not surprised if you don't too.

Jangan nak meludah ke langit sangat.

It will be spat back right all over your face.

If I don't want to talk to you, then don't push it.

There are good reasons why sometimes I don't feel like talking to some people.

It's either I'm restraining myself from being rude; or I probably just think that you're a jackass and don't deserve any attentions from me.

Tyvm.

Btw, selamat hari raya. Or whatever.

Insight

S cakap: If you wanna get married, nak pilih orang cuba fikir what kind of person yang kau nak untuk jadi ayah kepada anak-anak kau.

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Well said.

1. I wanna be tough, emotionally stable and can really tolerate rude/annoying/pretentious people, and those holier-than-thou religion fags. Or at least learn how to pretend tolerating them.
2. I don't want to be always available for others. I'm not a stopover. If you refuse to make time for me, then you probably don't worth mine too. Period.
3. I wanna be content. I don't need other people to make me happy. If I can't be happy on my own, how can I be happy with anyone?
4. I wanna be skinny so that I will look flattering in skinny jeans.
5. I wanna finish my MSc soon pretty please! I don't find serenity here anymore. I think I've lost myself within everything.
6. And I really think that I should slow down my night life a bit. Pft.
7. Again, I don't believe in long term relationship. And long distance relationship is worst.

I need someone with substance.
And patience.
And composure.

But then again, I'm talking to people from Mars.
Whatever.

Randomness.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together.

Marilyn Monroe

People change. People grow. And when we grow, we tend to grow apart. But it doesn't mean that the love/friendship that we once had wasn't real.

Maybe I've grown. I've change. But I'm still not sure of what I want. It's just that I don't want that. On the other hand, when a friend said that she won't judge you... think again. Maybe what I did or the decisions I made didn't meet the whatever morale-value-crap that you hold up to. But do you really forget that we're two different human being? 

--

Cerita lain.

Everybody have daddy issues. But we can choose to grow up, forgive and let go. Or you can hold grudge and end up destroying yourself and your relationship with other people. The thing is.. our parents are getting older, not younger. Does it even worth it? Grow up.

I've lost that magical feelings.
And those butterflies were dead long ago.
I think I am pretty much damaged inside out.
And I can't even cry anymore.
What's wrong with me other than EVERYTHING?

*deep sigh*

So now you're saying that I am toying around with your feelings eh? What about the way you used to treat me back then? Fair enough kan?

Urghhh some people just don't get it. They don't get me. Haihh...

Changes.

Things change.

People change. And so do I. But right now I'm not sure whether I've change for good or not. I can't hardly recognize myself any more.

I think I need to straighten up myself a bit. Woof!

Strangers, again.

I almost cry when I watch this video again. Hmmm... Dear you, I know you're trying so hard to win my heart again. And yes, I agree that we should take some time apart. I mean like a grace period. For me to sort my thoughts and emotions. I hate to see you that miserable especially when I'm the reason behind it.

If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find each other again. You know that I will always love you in anyway pon. You belong to a huge part of my life. Always have, always will.

Wise men say, only fools rush in

I've been thinking a lot. So I ended up talking to Ahmad Faisal instead. I don't know why I told him stuffs. Maybe because I think that he's a man with good brain, lots of life experiences and is also wise? This is the copy paste version of his advices just for my own record.

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Para 1: No doubt you've been trough stuff together, a lot. However large age-difference is also a problem as it is hard to adjust expectations and opinions. In this case, please don't make mistake for the sake of your future. Solat, doa ,minta ditunjukkan yang betul ke dia ni the best for you. Soal hati, Allah aje yang tau.

Para 2: Go for it man!!!!!!!! Wee hu!!! I tend to be immature at stuff, but for me, I can't afford to have someone to restrict my enthusiasm! We don't have comfort zone, we are happy and curious people. If he's the one, why not give him a chance? I mean, if he is serious let him flow and propose, hence get married. Live a beautiful life in ups and downs :-) Travel overseas, tido kat airport dgn sleeping bag (myself and puandy pernah buat), be silly and adventurous.

Para 3: It's good to be confused at the early age. Layan aje. But make sure it doesn't affect your work and study.

Para 4: Finally, a girl is more mature than a guy in same age. Seriously. Part of my upbringing in relationship is driven/lead and advocated by my own girlfriend/tunang/wife. She's wise to sculp me. A guy is silly. Lead him. Seriously. It is not wrong to take a lead. Bila dah dekat 30 tahun, then he'll be wiser than you.

--

Okay. Here's the thing. Be strong. Leave any baggage. Live good life, while trying to find your mr. right. Dulu masa couple pun I've made mistakes (gile weh, kena belajar pujuk girlfriend sbb garang sgt). Anyway that is part of life. If somebody likes you, and you like him, ask this question (when the time is right), "do you like me?".

If the guy is caught with such question, he should bite the bullet and act accordingly (ha! it got me once! Lucky I'm ready, get to work and make sure I'm not losing this girl).

Things that can go wrong, will go wrong. Learning on how to fix it is part of the process. But anyway, plan ahead. Sculp the lucky guy wisely. So he can be your dream one.

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hahahaah, gile, susah seh nak handle soalan mcm tu. Tapi good, you are a brave girl. Kalau betul la that guy likes you, hadle him with care :-D

Memang betul, go for it. Be ridiculously enthusiastic as usual, yay!! Betul-betul, jgn lupa doa byk2 jugak. Glad you're happy after reading this. Go I*****! (it's my name but i have to erase it. remember? this is my black book so it has to be anonymous)

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Oh btw I won't post what are my questions to him. It's for me to know and for you to ponder :)

Changes.

Itulah, suka provoke sangat. And now I am overwhelmed with everything. Just give me time, aku cuma sedang men-digest perasaan.

I don't know what I want. I just want to break free and take chances. I'm a little bit scared though. But heck, things will go wrong too regardless what precautions that you take. Shit happens and eventually we move on. So what's next?

Am I gullible? Or am I just too sick to think of anything hence the reckless steps I took? Whatever. I screwed things up before. But hey, who doesn't?

Oh well, I sounded soooo not like me. Pft.

--

On the other hand, I feel like deleting this hideous emo blog. We'll see :) 

I don't know who I can talk to any more.
I don't even know what can buy me anymore.

Urghh, I hate being fickle minded like this.

I don't know what I am so afraid of. Oh well, we always screw things up anyway. Or to certain extent, life will screw you up instead. FML.

Hello!

This is my stupid pathetic space.

Love, love, love

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep.

Not fuck, like in those movies.

Not even have sex.

Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase.

But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating.

So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."

-- John Green, Looking For Alaska.

I am not lost, I just don't know what I want.

Title courtsey to sis Maria :)

Hey you. You're definitely is not my Mr. Perfect and maybe I'm not your Miss Perfect too. I used to believe that I can build a life and a future with you. You were so amazing in every single way.. the kind of guy that any girl would want to marry someday. But I guess you're too stubborn & scared to break free and run... while I'm too brittle & impatient to hold on.

Honestly, I've been thinking a lot about something.. or accurately about someone. I don't know if it's love or what since I am fickle minded like this. I can't even define what I feel right now. But all I do know is that I sorta fall in "like" with someone.

A friend once told me that it's not wise fo me to jeopardize what I have with you for a crush or someone I fall in "like" with. Well, to some extent I kinda agree with her. But I can't be keeping you around just because I can't find my Mr. Right hence settle with you; my Mr. 2nd Right. It is not and never will be fair.

It really breaks my heart when you told me that you love me. But I don't think that I am capable of loving someone right now. Not even loving myself. Yes, I am pathetic like this.

Life sucks. Haihhh

To whom it may concern,

congratulations to you if you found this stupid pathetic space. how are you? I'm doing okay at most and being a self-loathing bitch at worst. Anyway, I miss talking to you though I've had too many things to tell yet I don't know how or which part to start with.

On random note, no matter how hard I try to convince myself or other people; deep down inside I still have a soft spot for heroic or romantic gestures. Lame, huh? I know.

But we both know that

crave by sarah kane

and I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food

 

and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don't listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio

 

and take pictures of you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your

 

and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I'm black and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you're gorgeous

 

and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and whimper when I'm not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh

 

and not understand why you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you

 

and wonder why you don't believe me and have a feeling so deep I can't find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I'd get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don't want and take them away again

 

and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want what you want and think I'm losing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really don't want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning

 

and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you.