Breakup note #4

“You seem to be smoking quite a lot, don’t you?” – I asked.

“Depends. Kalau aku stress and down, lagi banyak aku smoke.” – He answered.

“Are you, now?” – I asked again since he already smoked 4 or 5 cigarettes in less than 1 hour.

*silence* – He just smiled and kept on puffing.

Kau tahu, saat tu aku rasa nak dakap kau kuat-kuat dan menangis tanpa pedulikan orang lain dalam kedai kopi. 2 hours sitting in front of him after 9 years (finally!). There’s so much to say but we chose to keep quite. Yeah, once in a while soalan-soalan yang tak penting ditanya to fill the awkwardness. But we didn’t have an “actual” conversation.

Beberapa kali juga aku cuba mengejar mata dia. Tapi setiap kali aku cuba renung ke dalam matanya, pantas dia melarikan pandangan.

“How’s life? What happened to you these 9 year yang kita tak berjumpa?” – I asked to break the ice.

“A lot happened… (blablabla)” – He told me the story of his life.

Saat dia bercerita, mata aku tak lepas memandang wajah dia. Dan aku rasa satu kerugian. I could have been in that picture. I could have been there through his ups and downs. I could have been watching him grew up and been the one who can tell him that “Everything will be okay”. I could have been the one who kisses him goodnight before he falls asleep.

Then I asked something stupid. – “Did you miss me, ever? Were you really in love with me back then?”

“If I wasn't, takkan lah aku nangis masa kau dump aku.” – He answered.

Aku perhatikan, dia terus light another cigarette. Maybe dia sedang stress.